Monday, March 20, 2006

Reading Jeff Passan is like snorting coke off the back of Anna Benson's naked body

I know it's lame that I get 90% of my baseball news from Yahoo, but I'm a busy man. First off, I have to admit that Jeff Passan has an impressive turn-around. His stories are usually current. On top of that, they hover in that pseudo-column arena which makes them all the more interesting. Other than that they're ridiculous. Take for example his recent pondering. He pretty much lost me with his first paragraph. Some how the analogy to Bob Dylan converting to electric just didn't resonant. It struck me as a bit over the top, but I decided to cut him some slack, as he's trying to grab the readers attention. So I read on. Next paragraph, first sentence, "Ichiro is not a robot, not anymore at least". Huh? When did he become a robot? I understand that he's a hitting machine, but have I missed something? Have the press called him a robot? So, I'll let this pass as well, mostly out of confusion. I read on. When describing Ichiro's batting technique, "its delicate balance on one foot, is an amalgam of a flamingo and a drunk trying to pass a field sobriety test" I start to think to myself, "this guy's trying to hard". There is nothing flamingo about Ichiro and nothing remotely like a drunk. My incredulousness builds, I read on. "Paean"!? What the?! It's like, he thinks that if he uses a word that no-one ever uses his nonsense will instantly convert to high-brow reporting?! Well, Jeff I just wrote "incredulousness" you peon! Finally, I had to stop reading after his next analogy, "Ichiro said he wanted to beat Korea so badly that it wouldn't want to play Japan for another 30 years, which is like hearing Derek Jeter tell Canada that he will beat them, then buy Roots and turn it into American Eagle." If that's the case, then I sure hope that reading your pseudo-column is like snorting coke off the back of Anna Benson's naked body! Because then I'd have something interesting to write about.

58 comments:

  1. That's quite a rant. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just read Passan's article on Ricky Henderson in today's Yahoo section, called Life on Planet Ricky. I was so annoyed at what he was saying about Ricky Henderson, that I had to try to find other people that think he is an idiot. (Actually, i was trying to find his email to tell him himself that he is an idiont!!!)

    He is talking about one of the best baseball players ever, who is an unbelievable physical specimen and a miracle that he can even consider still playing, at 47. How dare this guy and how stupid does he make himself look by not respecting the crap out of this guy, his past accomplishments, and his current drive!!!

    Plus, his analogies make him quite possibly the worst writer ever!!!!!!

    "Ricky Henderson is still delusional..."
    "He's like that inappropriate uncle?"
    "he's unwanted but not unloved??
    " he uses bait and switch maneuvers to gain employment???" are you fucking kidding me???


    "It's that simple, really. Even though Rickey can't play – and he showed that by hitting .233 or worse with limited power his last four seasons – he's like that inappropriate uncle: You never stop shaking your head at him, but if he wasn't around, you'd miss him.

    Soon enough, Rickey will be gone from baseball. In 2009, Rickey will earn first-ballot entry into the Baseball Hall of Fame, and he'll grace us once more with his, um, wisdom. So appreciate him. Because by then, hopefully, he will realize that he's unwanted but not unloved, that he no longer needs to seek employment through bait-and-switch maneuvers."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Passan was pretty much spot on in his assessment of Rickey. You're the one who didn't get the point. What did you want, just another fluff piece? Rickey is definitely delusional if he still thinks he can play in the big leagues. Recognizing the truth isn't a sign of disrespect. I don't see why you think Passan doesn't respect Rickey... he even said "Rickey is unwanted but NOT unloved."

    Just because Rickey was a great player doesn't mean he wasn't a bit off his rocker. Passan's just telling it as it is. And this coming from a huge A's and Rickey fan, right here. I love Rickey, but you'd be as delusional as Rickey himself if you think he should be granted immunity from a little good-natured ridicule.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ha ha! I found this page because I was writing Yahoo! Sports to tell them I really, really don't like Jeff Passan, and I wanted to find some biographical data so I knew what I was talking about (something Jeff Passan could spend a little more time doing).

    He is not informative; he is sensationalistic, likes the big headline, and always has to try to say something "controversial" or to make every sentence sound like a challenge. He's not very knowledgeable and he's vaguely mean-spirited. I would appreciate less noise and more thought in my sports media -- the last thing the sports world needs is more bombast.

    He usually just ends up exposing the fact that although he can string words together pretty coherently and occasionally in an interesting fashion (which passes for talent in the media world these days), he really doesn't have a very deep understanding of the issues. So, in other words, he'll make a fine reporter.

    I don't really chastise people for being educated or using words I don't know. Sports often seems wedded to dumbness, and I appreciate it when someone doesn't insist on using the standard limited jock vocabulary. Paean is a great word, I use it myself because in the right place it is the perfect word. If someone uses a word I don't know, and it's a good word, I'm delighted to learn it. It's how we get smarter!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow, I looked up Jeff Passan because the guy's articles annoy me so much. I didn't expect to share the feeling with so many other people!!!

    ===
    S. Kempis

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just don't think he gave nearly as much respect to Rickey as Rickey deserves....

    ReplyDelete
  7. THAT IS SO FUNNY! WE ARE ALL GATHERING HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE WE COULDN'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE TO RAG ON THIS GUY...

    He is irresponsible, sensationalistic (is that a word?), and not really informed....

    He stinks!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I agree, this guy sucks, he calls Ozzie Guillen a coward, He's the coward because I know he wouldn't say it to his face.

    I didn't think very highly of Ryne Sandberg, but he's a lot better than this piece of garbage.

    He is a no-talent hack. Yahoo should fire this guy

    ReplyDelete
  9. After reading so many hacks, it's refreshing to run into a writer who "tries too hard". At least then, there's a chance he may say something sticks with you longer than half a second. Don't be mad because he has an opinion and a vocabulary.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jeff Passan licks the sweat off a dead man's balls

    ReplyDelete
  11. Passan is really annoying and has his own agenda. He should be using his column to discuss current baseball, not using his column to complain about Ozzie Guillen's statements about homosexuals or to go on and on about the negro leagues.

    I hope that Yahoo doesn't renew his contract for next year.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I can't believe I found a fellowship that disdains Jeff Passan as much as I do. I quit reading his tripe six months ago, then I got suckered in with another of his sensational headlines. I got pissed, again, and have decided enough is enough. Time to track him down and get him fired, or at least put try and get the ball rolling.

    I am glad that I am not the only one here who just wants to read some articles about baseball, not what some bitter, cynical asshole thinks about the game I love.

    Here's to hoping someone from Yahoo stumbles across this site and gets the message.

    Can Passan

    ReplyDelete
  13. ...6 months later, I still despise Passan. It's sad, because I'll see an interesting headline and then see it's by Jeff Passan, and I'll know there's no reason to read it -- there will be no information or insight in it.

    So, I find myself actively avoiding looking at Yahoo! baseball articles at all. Sad.

    Sigh.

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  14. I went to high school with him. He's been pissing people off long before he ever got to yahoo, trust me...

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  44. Passan is an idiot. He keeps chastizing MLB for not letting more Negro League players into the Hall of Fame. None of those people even played in the MLB, so why should they be in the MLB Hall of Fame? He writes as though MLB really dropped the ball.

    I think that the guy is a pompous ass for this and for most of the tripe he calls his "articles."

    P.S. Please delete the spam that has been posted here.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Jeff Passan is an ass clown. What is really sad is that Yahoo posts SO much of his crap. This is frusterating for me because I can't stand ESPN and their Insider crap either. All I want is some good baseball writing, WHERE IS IT!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Hey, landed on your blog, nice stuff. I found a cool new tool for our blogs... www.widgetmate.com It helps get latest news for our keywords directly on to our blog. I added it on mine. Worked like a charm.

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  47. Just read Passan's new article (btw his article on Ichiro was so awful, most of his analogies smelled like a lingering odor that resonates in a public restroom) Anyways, his article on Bonds (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=Alz1nXNKvgtBmLDiRWvuotc5nYcB?slug=jp-bonds080207&prov=yhoo&type=lgns) was damn right insulting. I have no problem with him saying it can be hard for Bond's daughter to hear taunts of her father, buth then he goes off spweing about racism? His line: "And the moment reinforced that Hank Aaron wasn't the only one on a legendary home run chase to deal with racism, both tacit and overt." Comparing a guy trying to wear a Bond's costume to racism that Hank Aaron faced is just damn right ridiculous nad irresponsible. Passan needs to get his head checked and understand the reality of things and not twist things just to write a story. Not to mention he's protecting a cheater on top of that, how stupid is this dude?

    ReplyDelete
  48. mike in the Cuse11/27/2007 12:22 PM

    Jeff Passan is about as enjoyable as reading about natural disasters. No matter what subject he tries to conqueor his quest to be funny and witty over shadows any meaning and his writing becomes cloudy and obtuse. He is very opinionated and you can tell right away from reading his articles if he "approves" of the person or not. He raises flags to tribute Barry Bonds and his struggle with racism. I personally could care less about Bonds race and more about the needle he jabbed up his ass for 10 seasons making a mockery of Henry Aarons accomplishment. I hope he rots in prison for it while the asterix baseball sits in coopertown promoting his shame. As far as Passan goes he is so off subject with 90% of his writings he couldnt hit water falling out of a canoe.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I agree. Jeff is a moron and should be blessed with a chronic wedgie. For all of you who want to tell Jeff how you feel, there is a blurb at the bottom of his article. The words questions or comments are highlighted in blue. Just click and rant away and really let him know how you feel about his informative articles.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I found this blog when doing a google search to try and find this moron's birthday after complaining to a co-worker about how stupid Passan is. I'm sure he isn't much over 30 and he acts like he watched every game in 60s, 70s, and I doubt he even remembers the 80s. The guy is so full of himself. I can't stand it. He tries so hard to sound smart and creative as he writes that it makes him look stupid.

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  52. His latest artile on Yahoo is basically a grown man crying. It's just a long complaint hence illustrating his female trait.

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