Reading Jeff Passan is like snorting coke off the back of Anna Benson's naked body

I know it's lame that I get 90% of my baseball news from Yahoo, but I'm a busy man. First off, I have to admit that Jeff Passan has an impressive turn-around. His stories are usually current. On top of that, they hover in that pseudo-column arena which makes them all the more interesting. Other than that they're ridiculous. Take for example his recent pondering. He pretty much lost me with his first paragraph. Some how the analogy to Bob Dylan converting to electric just didn't resonant. It struck me as a bit over the top, but I decided to cut him some slack, as he's trying to grab the readers attention. So I read on. Next paragraph, first sentence, "Ichiro is not a robot, not anymore at least". Huh? When did he become a robot? I understand that he's a hitting machine, but have I missed something? Have the press called him a robot? So, I'll let this pass as well, mostly out of confusion. I read on. When describing Ichiro's batting technique, "its delicate balance on one foot, is an amalgam of a flamingo and a drunk trying to pass a field sobriety test" I start to think to myself, "this guy's trying to hard". There is nothing flamingo about Ichiro and nothing remotely like a drunk. My incredulousness builds, I read on. "Paean"!? What the?! It's like, he thinks that if he uses a word that no-one ever uses his nonsense will instantly convert to high-brow reporting?! Well, Jeff I just wrote "incredulousness" you peon! Finally, I had to stop reading after his next analogy, "Ichiro said he wanted to beat Korea so badly that it wouldn't want to play Japan for another 30 years, which is like hearing Derek Jeter tell Canada that he will beat them, then buy Roots and turn it into American Eagle." If that's the case, then I sure hope that reading your pseudo-column is like snorting coke off the back of Anna Benson's naked body! Because then I'd have something interesting to write about.